The possibility that I was “confused” or “undecided” and that I was actually gay.It was made harder by not fitting properly into the categories people try and put us all in – “gay” or “straight”. I realised that, contrary to what I’d thought all my life, I wasn’t the same as everyone else.Īccepting the fact that I wasn’t “straight” was really hard. I was freaked out, but I was in denial and firmly convinced myself that the thoughts about women were just a phase, or just something I found sexually exciting because it’s a bit ‘different’.īut by the time I was 21 I realised I was unhappy, that being in denial about my sexuality was affecting my relationships and that I couldn’t ignore it or make it go away. It wasn’t until I was 18 that I properly started having sexual fantasies and desires, and more than half of them were about women. But the first time I watched a film or tv show and felt sexually attracted to the person on the screen, it was a woman – a scene in American Pie, I think! I assumed the feelings were because I wanted to “be” as attractive and sexy as the woman on screen, so I didn’t think too much about it!
I’d always been friends with girls, but as a kid I never thought about girls in a romantic way… whereas I had ‘crushes’ on boys, who I obsessed over, and who I wanted to kiss and hold hands with and be with foreeeever. I didn’t realise I was bisexual for a long time.
